Sailing the Big Big Sea… All Alone!

Hi, call me Darknessis. I think it means the genesis of darkness. I don’t know how to start my story, but I can sure as hell summarize it in one depressing sentence:

My life Sucks BIG TIME!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say I have the worst life ever, or even remotely close, all I’m saying is that alot of people who think they suck, in comparison to me, sure have it good. But before you go all mad at me, hear me out…

I was at the library this morning studying for my final papers when I remembered that for some reason, I haven’t checked my coursework and assessment for the said course. Let’s call the said course DC-1.

Well, I left my books and walked to the lecturer’s office, and there, just outside his office was everyone’s total score. I scrolled through the list of 300+ students twice, but couldn’t find my name. So I knocked and entered. I told him my name wasn’t on the list because I checked twice. He asked what my name was and glanced through his list. He looked up at me and said “Check again”.

From there I knew something was wrong. I mean, If he saw my name he could just as well have told me my score.

So I checked again, and this time I saw it… with a Big Bad Red “F” printed next to it! He was ashamed of telling me!

But I think I’m going a little ahead of myself here. It’s only fair that you know my background…

I’m an exceptional student. If that is not blunt enough for you, I’ve never had an F grade in my life, and my aggregate result has never been anything less that an A! To some people that isn’t much, but I’m not a nerd or something, I have all kinds of friends in all sizes and character, and actually get invited to cool parties with really hot chicks… I was happy, and so were the people around me.

So what turned an exceptionally happy fun loving guy into a depressing pack of emotional baggage?

Well that’s not an easy question, not even to someone as smart as me. But if I had to guess, I will start by my coming to this country nearly two years ago.

I was the first person in my university to come from my country, so it goes without saying that I knew everyone who came after me from my country whether willingly or unwillingly.

The problem started with numbers. Yes, Damn numbers! Let me elaborate…

Being an above average student from birth, common sense tells you that I skipped through preschool, primary, all the way to high school faster than average. I got admission to the university barely 2 months after finishing high school. So when people started coming, I realized I was going to be the youngest damn student around. Most of them were in their 20’s, very few 19’s and No 18’s that I know of. So when asked my age, I lied. To the 21’s, I told ‘em 20, and the 19’s, I told ‘em we mates. The problem about lying is you have to keep doing it to cover the more lies you make. I lied so much about my age that am not exactly sure what it is right now.

Problem is, I tried to act different ages with different groups. Yes, You guessed right, I became totally fake, I lost myself!

In the beginning, it was all good. I lived my fake life of lies, with real good grades, surrounded by my fake friends and a 22 year old girl friend who thinks I’m 21.

Fast forward to this semester…

I broke up with my 22 year old girl friend who still thinks I’m 21, and my network has grown ten fold. This would have been a good thing, but it also means more lies. I retreated to my shell, and tried to make less contact with people. It didn’t work, people followed me home. I became the defacto psychologist for many people. I guess I’m a good talking emotional sponge. Problem is, good talking emotional sponges make good friends, not boyfriends. So I was a friend to many, but still single as hell. It didn’t bother me though… until recently.

Recently, a close family friend came to my university from my country who would be about my age. But due to my reputation, he thinks I’m much older, which was fine with me.

So this guy came… 2 weeks and he has a girl friend. To make it worst, we rent the same apartment. So very soon, I became the joke of the university. At least to my friends and people to my country. Actually it would have been funny if I was standing anywhere but where I was. It goes like, I’m d first here, but everyone including the last person has a girlfriend but me. Although its not entirely true, it still pains.

Having been having exceptional grades, it goes without saying that my parents would just keep expecting more.

This semester, with all the ups and downs and somethings I can’t even write despite being anonymous, I didn’t do so well. And to make bad things even worse, I’m taking only 1 course, DC-1 this semester, so I have no other course to counter balance the grades and make me look good again.

So now I hope you understand why I was really depressed seeing that F against my name in that lecturer’s office and having no real friends to talk to being that I’m a fake to almost everyone I know. I’m not suicidal, don’t worry, but that don’t mean I didn’t contemplate it at one time.

All I want to say is that we’re not so much in the inside as we are on the outside. I just want someone out there to know, while I move on to next year being the happy fake guy I used to be to all my fake friends….

Tags: betrayal, darkess, deciet, depression, fake, friends, lies, life, new year, resolution, suicide